It was just simply bad timing, both times, and as much as we cared for each other, we weren't right together. Everyone else saw that, but it took us a long time to see it, I guess. So maybe it was never bad timing, it was just a learning experience, and preparing us for what's to come. To learn what to do, what not to do, and how to grow.
First we had no idea what we were doing, and we were young. Then I was so damaged, and you weren't ready, nor could you handle the damage that had been done. Few of my family or friends saw what I saw after the first go around. I knew you had a big heart, and I knew the reasons why they only saw what they chose to see. I am glad to have had a first love, and feel a lot of real heart ache, because it prepared me for my true love, and helped me grow.
I wasn't very good for you our second go around, but I am so thankful for the time we had, because it showed me I deserved better than the pain I had felt previously, and it allowed me to demand better for myself, and refuse to be treated so badly ever again. I hope you knew that I never meant to hurt you, just as I know you never meant to hurt me. Everything happens for a reason, and I will cherish the memories, and the lessons learned.
I know we are both happy in our lives now, and for that I am also very thankful. I hope wherever you are, you know that I am happy for you, and I have no regrets.
To those that subscribed, you may or may not know who this is about. For those of you that do, I put it here because it does not need to actually be said to that person. I'm sure he knows. I just had a lot of learning and healing to do the last 8-12 years of my life, and I feel I have grown so much, and needed to actually REALLY let go.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I want to be a "normal" mom.
I'm realizing some things lately. Things that never really mattered that much to me, till now. My kids have always had friends, and I've done some play dates here and there. But I am finding myself in a world in the last 2 years where, I can't now. My son, Destin, takes up probably 50% of more of my day all on his own. Keeping him from breaking things, hitting his sister, from running off, ect. He has nothing in his room except a bed. Why? Because he destroys everything. I don't believe he just has AD/HD. I have talked with other parents of children with AD/HD, and none of them have said that their child is violent toward people, and things, and even themselves.
I have tried to take my kids on outings, events, play dates, and just regular get togethers not geared toward kids. I can't do it. I cannot talk to anyone because my kids will go bonkers. Destin will run away, or do something that will make everyone look at me and go "what kind of mom lets her kid do that?" I can't go to play dates because it is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to try to keep an eye on him at every second to make sure he is behaving well, and also try to keep an eye on Shaelyn. And to do something I need to do with kids? Grocery shopping, running errands... If it involves having to get them out of the car, forget it.
Making friends would probably be a lot easier if I were able to have some kind of life outside everything that revolves around my kids. I love them dearly, I do. I would do anything for them. But there are so many things I have yet to be able to do because of some of the struggles I've had with Destin. It's not simple. I can't just put him in a time out, or even spank him (he laughs). Things like that don't stick with kids who have special needs. It's a joke. We do reinforcements, but it only works to a certain point because Destin is so strong willed.
I just feel like a miserable, cooped up, lonely mom. I want a life outside being stuck at home with my kids 24/7. I need to get away once in a while without them, and not just to run an errand. I want to have a lunch date with a friend, or maybe a mani/pedi day. I am blessed to be able to stay home with my kids, and help them to grow, learn, and thrive... But I also need a break, to cope with all of the things that I haven't been able to do, that other "normal" (what is normal, anyway?) moms are able to do.
One day, I might be able to go to a park, and sit on the bench and watch my kids play without the fear of him running off, or hurting another kid. One day. Yes, I know this is putting myself out there for judgement, but I'm hoping in putting this out there, maybe someone will be able to relate to me, and offer some advice, or encouragement.
I have tried to take my kids on outings, events, play dates, and just regular get togethers not geared toward kids. I can't do it. I cannot talk to anyone because my kids will go bonkers. Destin will run away, or do something that will make everyone look at me and go "what kind of mom lets her kid do that?" I can't go to play dates because it is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to try to keep an eye on him at every second to make sure he is behaving well, and also try to keep an eye on Shaelyn. And to do something I need to do with kids? Grocery shopping, running errands... If it involves having to get them out of the car, forget it.
Making friends would probably be a lot easier if I were able to have some kind of life outside everything that revolves around my kids. I love them dearly, I do. I would do anything for them. But there are so many things I have yet to be able to do because of some of the struggles I've had with Destin. It's not simple. I can't just put him in a time out, or even spank him (he laughs). Things like that don't stick with kids who have special needs. It's a joke. We do reinforcements, but it only works to a certain point because Destin is so strong willed.
I just feel like a miserable, cooped up, lonely mom. I want a life outside being stuck at home with my kids 24/7. I need to get away once in a while without them, and not just to run an errand. I want to have a lunch date with a friend, or maybe a mani/pedi day. I am blessed to be able to stay home with my kids, and help them to grow, learn, and thrive... But I also need a break, to cope with all of the things that I haven't been able to do, that other "normal" (what is normal, anyway?) moms are able to do.
One day, I might be able to go to a park, and sit on the bench and watch my kids play without the fear of him running off, or hurting another kid. One day. Yes, I know this is putting myself out there for judgement, but I'm hoping in putting this out there, maybe someone will be able to relate to me, and offer some advice, or encouragement.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
No, I'm not an only child. Finally talking about it a little bit.
My parents haven't only been married to each other. Both had been married once before, and both actually had a son, each. Jaime is my dads son. He is 11 years older than me. Justin, is my moms son, who is 10 years older than me. Right now I'm sure the majority of you are going "Huh? I never knew you had any siblings!?" There are reasons I don't really talk about them. See, I'm kinda the white sheep of the family. No, I'm far from perfect.. But I try to do the right thing. My brothers have each made more than their share of mistakes. I guess it's... Shame. Shame is the reason that I don't talk about them.
Well, though they have made many mistakes, they are still my brothers. Jaime, has made mistakes that I myself cannot forgive. I just can't. He needs to ask for forgiveness to a higher power. I cannot, nor will not ever have any kind of relationship with him again. I know you may be curious as to what happened, but so few know. It is a deeply personal thing that still affects me to this day. I pray for him, still. I pray that he finds peace, and my parents find him one day, and can have a relationship with him. He has been missing for over 5 years now.
Justin has also made many mistakes. Not just concerning me, or my parents. He has made mistakes that affect many, many lives. He has hurt people that love him, repeatedly, and I'm sure the affect he has on some, will affect them for the rest of their lives. A few years ago, I had written him off, and turned my back on him. Though since, I have tried to help him, even still... Hoping that those handful of times since I had written him off, he was REALLY trying to turn his life around. Come to find out, he was still not ready to do what it takes to fix things.
The person he is hurting most, is himself. It hurts my parents, myself, and I'm sure other family and friends to see what he has done to himself.. But in the end, he is hurting himself most. I won't go into what he's done, because that's his story to tell, not mine. What I will say, is it hurts. I am a very strong woman, but I do have soft spots. This is my brother. He's not always been a good brother to me, but there were times in the past that he was really there for me. Every girl who has big brothers wants to feel that they will be there for them. The fact that I have 2 boys, and a girl (she's the youngest) is what really gets me the most.
I want my boys to be there for their baby sister. Protect her, love her, teach her. Neither of my brothers were there for me when I needed them the most. Justin probably never will be, though I am trying to keep my heart open and hope that this is really rock bottom for him, and maybe he will change his ways. I have to be realistic though. Someone in their late 30's who is still making the same mistakes constantly, will probably never change.
See, I found his mug shots today when doing a google search for him. He looks worse than I could have imagined. He's been in jail this time (bouncing between 3 of them, in fact) since September. His eyes are sunken in, he has multiple bags under them, and he just looks like a wrinkled ghost. My brother was a good looking guy when he was younger, before he let himself go. He always had girlfriends. He was talented (still is) and smart when he applied himself. He had a sense of humor that had you laughing all the time. He was a prankster. I'm sure he put at least half the grey hairs on my dads head..
But now I see a man who is dying. I really hope not, but it looks like his life has truly beaten him down, and I'm not sure he can recover from this. So.. I have siblings, yes. Siblings that are in my life, and I can count on, or lean on.. Or just talk to. No, I don't. If you do, please don't take them for granted.
In closing, I want to say that I have not given up hope on you, Justin. I am upset that you have done all that you have, and some things forgiveness is going to have to come from the big man. A lot of the damage you have done, you can not undo. But, I am still hoping, and praying for you, that it's only up from here. Maybe one day, we can have a normal, healthy relationship, and you can get to know your nephews, and niece.
Well, though they have made many mistakes, they are still my brothers. Jaime, has made mistakes that I myself cannot forgive. I just can't. He needs to ask for forgiveness to a higher power. I cannot, nor will not ever have any kind of relationship with him again. I know you may be curious as to what happened, but so few know. It is a deeply personal thing that still affects me to this day. I pray for him, still. I pray that he finds peace, and my parents find him one day, and can have a relationship with him. He has been missing for over 5 years now.
Justin has also made many mistakes. Not just concerning me, or my parents. He has made mistakes that affect many, many lives. He has hurt people that love him, repeatedly, and I'm sure the affect he has on some, will affect them for the rest of their lives. A few years ago, I had written him off, and turned my back on him. Though since, I have tried to help him, even still... Hoping that those handful of times since I had written him off, he was REALLY trying to turn his life around. Come to find out, he was still not ready to do what it takes to fix things.
The person he is hurting most, is himself. It hurts my parents, myself, and I'm sure other family and friends to see what he has done to himself.. But in the end, he is hurting himself most. I won't go into what he's done, because that's his story to tell, not mine. What I will say, is it hurts. I am a very strong woman, but I do have soft spots. This is my brother. He's not always been a good brother to me, but there were times in the past that he was really there for me. Every girl who has big brothers wants to feel that they will be there for them. The fact that I have 2 boys, and a girl (she's the youngest) is what really gets me the most.
I want my boys to be there for their baby sister. Protect her, love her, teach her. Neither of my brothers were there for me when I needed them the most. Justin probably never will be, though I am trying to keep my heart open and hope that this is really rock bottom for him, and maybe he will change his ways. I have to be realistic though. Someone in their late 30's who is still making the same mistakes constantly, will probably never change.
See, I found his mug shots today when doing a google search for him. He looks worse than I could have imagined. He's been in jail this time (bouncing between 3 of them, in fact) since September. His eyes are sunken in, he has multiple bags under them, and he just looks like a wrinkled ghost. My brother was a good looking guy when he was younger, before he let himself go. He always had girlfriends. He was talented (still is) and smart when he applied himself. He had a sense of humor that had you laughing all the time. He was a prankster. I'm sure he put at least half the grey hairs on my dads head..
But now I see a man who is dying. I really hope not, but it looks like his life has truly beaten him down, and I'm not sure he can recover from this. So.. I have siblings, yes. Siblings that are in my life, and I can count on, or lean on.. Or just talk to. No, I don't. If you do, please don't take them for granted.
In closing, I want to say that I have not given up hope on you, Justin. I am upset that you have done all that you have, and some things forgiveness is going to have to come from the big man. A lot of the damage you have done, you can not undo. But, I am still hoping, and praying for you, that it's only up from here. Maybe one day, we can have a normal, healthy relationship, and you can get to know your nephews, and niece.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Some more purging. Physically, and mentally.
Man oh man, have I been doing some soul searching lately. I can almost see the smoke coming out of my ears, with how much I have been thinking about everything. Recently, a couple we know from our sons AD/HD support group, offered us her daughters big girl bedroom set. They are moving, and their daughter has outgrown it (she's a few years older than Shaelyn). I love the set, and asked her how much they wanted for it all. She said it's free, and they believe in doing good things for people. I was completely shocked.
See, we haven't lived a very charmed life. In some ways, yes. We have been blessed with a beautiful, healthy family, and we've always gotten by. But we've had to really work for EVERYTHING, and we've struggled quite a bit along the way. We've always donated, and given to charity, and helped those in need whether it be family, friends, or just someone much worse off than us. But rarely have we been blessed with something we are really in need of. That's part of what really got me thinking..
When presented with this more than generous offer, it got me to thinking how much cleaning up I had to do in Shaelyns room, to make room for the set. I then thought to ask the group leader if I could donate what Shaelyn has outgrown to them, or maybe the families that go there who are in need. She gladly accepted, and thanked me. Then said whatever they don't need, they will donate as well. So, I went through so far, all of the things we were going to sell in the yard sale this fall, and put it in a box for them.. Next is her room! What a good feeling to bless someone else!
Next is some more of the mental purging. I like to think I'm a good person. I do the right thing, I help when/where needed, I try to be the best mom and wife I can be. But, often times, I don't do the right thing for myself. I don't take care of myself in pretty much any way that I should be. I don't remember my vitamins, I don't eat right sometimes, I overbook myself, and never really rest. But one thing after reading this article I know that I do WRONG, is judge. I judge even when I think I'm not judging. "How could a person leave their kids" "How could a person steal" Ect. Anyway.. Karma is something I learned a little more about today, and I feel very enlightened and would love to pass this on. I will be checking out more of this site very soon. I hope you all find this read as interesting, and thought provoking as I did!
http://www.happinessinyourlife.com/Karma.html
See, we haven't lived a very charmed life. In some ways, yes. We have been blessed with a beautiful, healthy family, and we've always gotten by. But we've had to really work for EVERYTHING, and we've struggled quite a bit along the way. We've always donated, and given to charity, and helped those in need whether it be family, friends, or just someone much worse off than us. But rarely have we been blessed with something we are really in need of. That's part of what really got me thinking..
When presented with this more than generous offer, it got me to thinking how much cleaning up I had to do in Shaelyns room, to make room for the set. I then thought to ask the group leader if I could donate what Shaelyn has outgrown to them, or maybe the families that go there who are in need. She gladly accepted, and thanked me. Then said whatever they don't need, they will donate as well. So, I went through so far, all of the things we were going to sell in the yard sale this fall, and put it in a box for them.. Next is her room! What a good feeling to bless someone else!
Next is some more of the mental purging. I like to think I'm a good person. I do the right thing, I help when/where needed, I try to be the best mom and wife I can be. But, often times, I don't do the right thing for myself. I don't take care of myself in pretty much any way that I should be. I don't remember my vitamins, I don't eat right sometimes, I overbook myself, and never really rest. But one thing after reading this article I know that I do WRONG, is judge. I judge even when I think I'm not judging. "How could a person leave their kids" "How could a person steal" Ect. Anyway.. Karma is something I learned a little more about today, and I feel very enlightened and would love to pass this on. I will be checking out more of this site very soon. I hope you all find this read as interesting, and thought provoking as I did!
http://www.happinessinyourlife.com/Karma.html
Friday, April 19, 2013
Removing the clutter from my life
I have started finally going through the things that have been boxed up for years, and moved from one house, to another.. Still in the box while being moved.. Once in a while I'd open a box, and kinda peek inside.. Then I'd close it up, and put it back in it's hiding place. No more! I think I need to do this metaphorically, as well as actually purging these physical things.
I went through one huge box today, that had all kinds of things in it. One of the things I found hardest to purge, were things that belonged to my kids. Things from when they were born, cards, things from special occasions, like first birthdays. I finally asked myself this very important question... Are my kids going to want these things when they move out? Are they really going to want the shirt they wore on their first birthday? What on earth would they do with it? I wasn't holding onto these things for them.. I was holding onto them for me, saying I was going to pass it down to them.
It got me thinking about all the things my mom gave me when I moved out of the house. A lot of it, I just didn't care about to be honest. Things like school papers.. It was cool to look at just a few really cool items, but that was about it. I don't need to save every paper my kids touched, and every shirt they wore on a special occasion. That's what pictures are for, right? Oh, and the cards.. Once upon a time, I had probably 4 shoe boxes FULL of cards. I dumped probably 3 boxes of them a few years ago, and never looked back. Today, I finally went through that last one, and kept only ones that are really special to me, and ones that I think my kids will want to see one day. I know have probably 1/5 of a shoe box full!
It felt really good when all was said and done. To know that I just cut down in probably a half hours time, one HUGE box of clutter. Know how big it is now? One shoe box, and part of a small box. I kept my year books, a few cards, a few keepsakes for my kids, and 2 stuffed animals that my husband got for our boys in Iraq. I had probably an entire trash bag full of stuff I purged. Some of it is in a good enough condition to donate, and the rest went into the trash.
One of the issues I had with this, is I hate how much trash there is in landfills. Pretty soon though, we are going to figure out what the recycling center close by actually takes, and start separating our stuff and taking it in there. So for now, if throwing it away frees my mind, it's worth it. The weight it has lifted is HUGE.
Now, mentally. I have had so much go on in my life lately that I need to do this very thing that I did with this box, but start going through the emotional baggage I have. Some of it from my childhood. It's time to let go. I do know, however, that it will take longer than a year to let it go. But recognizing you need to do it, and setting out to get it done is the first step, right?
Anyway, I'd love to hear your experiences with these kinds of things. Have you had the same struggles? Have you been able to overcome it? How did you take those first steps, and how did you maintain it?
I went through one huge box today, that had all kinds of things in it. One of the things I found hardest to purge, were things that belonged to my kids. Things from when they were born, cards, things from special occasions, like first birthdays. I finally asked myself this very important question... Are my kids going to want these things when they move out? Are they really going to want the shirt they wore on their first birthday? What on earth would they do with it? I wasn't holding onto these things for them.. I was holding onto them for me, saying I was going to pass it down to them.
It got me thinking about all the things my mom gave me when I moved out of the house. A lot of it, I just didn't care about to be honest. Things like school papers.. It was cool to look at just a few really cool items, but that was about it. I don't need to save every paper my kids touched, and every shirt they wore on a special occasion. That's what pictures are for, right? Oh, and the cards.. Once upon a time, I had probably 4 shoe boxes FULL of cards. I dumped probably 3 boxes of them a few years ago, and never looked back. Today, I finally went through that last one, and kept only ones that are really special to me, and ones that I think my kids will want to see one day. I know have probably 1/5 of a shoe box full!
It felt really good when all was said and done. To know that I just cut down in probably a half hours time, one HUGE box of clutter. Know how big it is now? One shoe box, and part of a small box. I kept my year books, a few cards, a few keepsakes for my kids, and 2 stuffed animals that my husband got for our boys in Iraq. I had probably an entire trash bag full of stuff I purged. Some of it is in a good enough condition to donate, and the rest went into the trash.
One of the issues I had with this, is I hate how much trash there is in landfills. Pretty soon though, we are going to figure out what the recycling center close by actually takes, and start separating our stuff and taking it in there. So for now, if throwing it away frees my mind, it's worth it. The weight it has lifted is HUGE.
Now, mentally. I have had so much go on in my life lately that I need to do this very thing that I did with this box, but start going through the emotional baggage I have. Some of it from my childhood. It's time to let go. I do know, however, that it will take longer than a year to let it go. But recognizing you need to do it, and setting out to get it done is the first step, right?
Anyway, I'd love to hear your experiences with these kinds of things. Have you had the same struggles? Have you been able to overcome it? How did you take those first steps, and how did you maintain it?
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
You are beautiful. PERIOD.
I am completely for changing something about yourself physically if it makes you feel good. As long as it's for you, and no one else. Hell, I want to get a tummy tuck because of the extra skin left by pregnancies. But it'd be for me, not my husband. There are so many things out there today that tell you what beautiful is... Things that make you go look in the mirror, and pick yourself apart for all the flaws they lead you to believe that you have. I have been doing that for as long as I can remember.
Girls are mean. They just are. We are competitive, and judgmental. Even when we don't mean to, sometimes it comes out. I was an awkward child. I was really skinny, had huge glasses that made me look like I had eyes 10 times bigger than everyone else's, and I had frizzy hair that was totally out of control. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Still am at times. My mom wasn't really into a lot of girly things, so if anyone did my hair, it was my dad haha. He didn't do a bad job, surprisingly. And a little off topic.. I remember that and it's one of my fondest memories of my dad.
Anyway, when I was 16, I lost the glasses, found a hair straightener, and FINALLY started to *ahem* develop a little bit. Then, I still felt awkward, but got a lot of compliments from people, and of course boys. I couldn't understand what they saw in me. Every time they'd compliment me, I'd jump back and say "no I'm not" to pretty much any compliment they gave. This used to really bother one of my boyfriends in particular. He'd get so mad at me that I put myself down all the time. He saw something in me that I never did, until now. I had a beautiful heart all along. No, I wasn't the prettiest girl in the world, but I was beautiful to him.
Now here I am, married to someone who's seen me at every stage of my life. We have 3 beautiful children, inside and out.. And I'm doing it again.. STILL. Every time he compliments me, I blow him off.. He's started complimenting me less through the years, probably because he got sick of me saying something negative every time he'd say something nice to me. I'd stand there in the mirror, and see some grotesque monster that somehow, only I can see. I think they call this distorted mirror syndrome?
I stand there and put myself down because I break out a lot since having kids. My hair is going grey at a very young age. My stomach has too much extra skin, and fat. My behind isn't big enough, my toes are too long, my teeth aren't white enough. I could go on and on.. But I need to stop. I am who I am. I am beautiful the way that I am. Sure, I can change some things about myself, and if it makes me happy, then who cares? But I will not stand there in the mirror anymore, and see all the negatives about myself. We're not here long, and if we're lucky to live long enough, we'll all have wrinkles, and probably end up being able to tuck our boobs into our pants (insert giggle here).
What's important to me right now, is being happy.. And teaching my kids how to love themselves, because I never learned that as a child. I was too busy listening to all of the negative comments, and bullying, to see how amazing I am JUST being who I am :)
I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. But I am going to work on it very hard, and I hope you all do too if you've struggled with this as well. Please, watch this video, and take the time to see all of the beauty in yourself <3
http://mashable.com/2013/04/15/dove-ad-beauty-sketches/
Girls are mean. They just are. We are competitive, and judgmental. Even when we don't mean to, sometimes it comes out. I was an awkward child. I was really skinny, had huge glasses that made me look like I had eyes 10 times bigger than everyone else's, and I had frizzy hair that was totally out of control. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Still am at times. My mom wasn't really into a lot of girly things, so if anyone did my hair, it was my dad haha. He didn't do a bad job, surprisingly. And a little off topic.. I remember that and it's one of my fondest memories of my dad.
Anyway, when I was 16, I lost the glasses, found a hair straightener, and FINALLY started to *ahem* develop a little bit. Then, I still felt awkward, but got a lot of compliments from people, and of course boys. I couldn't understand what they saw in me. Every time they'd compliment me, I'd jump back and say "no I'm not" to pretty much any compliment they gave. This used to really bother one of my boyfriends in particular. He'd get so mad at me that I put myself down all the time. He saw something in me that I never did, until now. I had a beautiful heart all along. No, I wasn't the prettiest girl in the world, but I was beautiful to him.
Now here I am, married to someone who's seen me at every stage of my life. We have 3 beautiful children, inside and out.. And I'm doing it again.. STILL. Every time he compliments me, I blow him off.. He's started complimenting me less through the years, probably because he got sick of me saying something negative every time he'd say something nice to me. I'd stand there in the mirror, and see some grotesque monster that somehow, only I can see. I think they call this distorted mirror syndrome?
I stand there and put myself down because I break out a lot since having kids. My hair is going grey at a very young age. My stomach has too much extra skin, and fat. My behind isn't big enough, my toes are too long, my teeth aren't white enough. I could go on and on.. But I need to stop. I am who I am. I am beautiful the way that I am. Sure, I can change some things about myself, and if it makes me happy, then who cares? But I will not stand there in the mirror anymore, and see all the negatives about myself. We're not here long, and if we're lucky to live long enough, we'll all have wrinkles, and probably end up being able to tuck our boobs into our pants (insert giggle here).
What's important to me right now, is being happy.. And teaching my kids how to love themselves, because I never learned that as a child. I was too busy listening to all of the negative comments, and bullying, to see how amazing I am JUST being who I am :)
I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. But I am going to work on it very hard, and I hope you all do too if you've struggled with this as well. Please, watch this video, and take the time to see all of the beauty in yourself <3
http://mashable.com/2013/04/15/dove-ad-beauty-sketches/
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Taking some time to really put some thought onto paper... Err... Interwebs?
So, my last post was basically just that things are good, and I'm going to try to make it a point to blog more. Facebook is a place for little blips and such. This will be where I am really me. If you do not like what you see here, then feel free to hit the delete button, because I am tired of conforming to others. If I say something that truly upsets, or offends you, then please let me know. But if it's something you just don't like, or don't agree with, then the way I see it, it's your problem. My whole intent is just to have some place where I can be me, and get things off my mind, not to upset anyone.
Life has been bonkers for a long time now, but I am getting to a point where I'm really kinda sitting back and evaluating everything. Thinking long and hard about things before I really decide what I truly think of something. Like anyone else, I am quick to pass judgement at times. I can honestly say that now, I am not so quick. The things we have been through have truly changed me. Mostly in good ways, but of course some in bad ways. Stress, ya know? Anyway, I have come to learn that we just cannot truly understand why a person says and does things. How do we know what they have been through, unless we have lived their exact life.
I have seen a lot of people just POOF, exit out of my life, without any explanation. At first, a few of those people who had done so, it really hurt me. But thinking about it now. Those people really just don't get it, and I'd rather I didn't put any effort into a friendship with them when they care so little for others. I am grateful they have taken their leave, because it saved me in the long run. It's hard for me to really turn my back on someone. Even when I don't understand them, and can't figure out why they do or say some of the things they do. I figure now there's got to be a reason, and I try to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Still, I have learned to be more cautious in letting myself really get invested in someone, until I've known them for a long time.
So, the days of me caring what others think, are behind me. It's something I've been working on for a long time, and I can finally say I have truly grown in that department. Since I have been able to do that, I have been a lot happier. That, and the other positive changes that have happened in our lives.
What are those changes? We are now living with PTSD, not surviving it. I can't really pinpoint what changed. I think it was a long time coming, and it was a collection of events that has helped us turn this very vital page. PTSD is always going to be a part of our lives, but now it's the common enemy, and we're not letting it control our lives anymore. Also, having a HOME again, is making a huge impact. We are investing not only our money, but our time into something that is truly OURS, and it feels great. Sure, it's tiring... But it's worth it at the end of the day.
I have an appointment coming up for myself. It's concerning my newly diagnosed (but not so newly acquired) AD/HD. I am hoping to be put on some medication that will help me in so many ways. One of those ways is organizing my thoughts, and helping me manage the overwhelmed feeling I live with on a constant basis. I think once that is better, I will know more of what I want to do, and how I want to do it. This blog for example.. It's great for me to get my thoughts out, but I want it to be way more organized, and I want it to really show how I am, and not just seem like this jumbled mess... SQUIRREL!!
Anyway, this is kinda my new intro into the new me. That being said.. Hello again. I'm Stacey. I'm in my LATE (holy crap) 20's. My hair is going grey, I find more wrinkles every day, and I am tired all the time. I have 3 beautiful, but bonkers children, and a wonderful husband, who sometimes I want to beat with a frying pan. But you know what else? I am also smart, funny, extremely caring, beautiful, and strong (both physically and mentally). Sometimes I'm a little over the top, but, this is me.
Life has been bonkers for a long time now, but I am getting to a point where I'm really kinda sitting back and evaluating everything. Thinking long and hard about things before I really decide what I truly think of something. Like anyone else, I am quick to pass judgement at times. I can honestly say that now, I am not so quick. The things we have been through have truly changed me. Mostly in good ways, but of course some in bad ways. Stress, ya know? Anyway, I have come to learn that we just cannot truly understand why a person says and does things. How do we know what they have been through, unless we have lived their exact life.
I have seen a lot of people just POOF, exit out of my life, without any explanation. At first, a few of those people who had done so, it really hurt me. But thinking about it now. Those people really just don't get it, and I'd rather I didn't put any effort into a friendship with them when they care so little for others. I am grateful they have taken their leave, because it saved me in the long run. It's hard for me to really turn my back on someone. Even when I don't understand them, and can't figure out why they do or say some of the things they do. I figure now there's got to be a reason, and I try to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Still, I have learned to be more cautious in letting myself really get invested in someone, until I've known them for a long time.
So, the days of me caring what others think, are behind me. It's something I've been working on for a long time, and I can finally say I have truly grown in that department. Since I have been able to do that, I have been a lot happier. That, and the other positive changes that have happened in our lives.
What are those changes? We are now living with PTSD, not surviving it. I can't really pinpoint what changed. I think it was a long time coming, and it was a collection of events that has helped us turn this very vital page. PTSD is always going to be a part of our lives, but now it's the common enemy, and we're not letting it control our lives anymore. Also, having a HOME again, is making a huge impact. We are investing not only our money, but our time into something that is truly OURS, and it feels great. Sure, it's tiring... But it's worth it at the end of the day.
I have an appointment coming up for myself. It's concerning my newly diagnosed (but not so newly acquired) AD/HD. I am hoping to be put on some medication that will help me in so many ways. One of those ways is organizing my thoughts, and helping me manage the overwhelmed feeling I live with on a constant basis. I think once that is better, I will know more of what I want to do, and how I want to do it. This blog for example.. It's great for me to get my thoughts out, but I want it to be way more organized, and I want it to really show how I am, and not just seem like this jumbled mess... SQUIRREL!!
Anyway, this is kinda my new intro into the new me. That being said.. Hello again. I'm Stacey. I'm in my LATE (holy crap) 20's. My hair is going grey, I find more wrinkles every day, and I am tired all the time. I have 3 beautiful, but bonkers children, and a wonderful husband, who sometimes I want to beat with a frying pan. But you know what else? I am also smart, funny, extremely caring, beautiful, and strong (both physically and mentally). Sometimes I'm a little over the top, but, this is me.
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