Someone lend me some tweezers, so I can pluck my hair out one strand at a time!

It's gone! My sanity, it's gone! My youngest son is part monster, I swear. Don't get me wrong. I love him so much!! I'd do anything for him. And when he's sweet, he's soooooooooooooooo sweet. But when he's bad. He is completely rotten! He destroys EVERYTHING! I'm posting here, because if no one is going to give a shit, at least I can type out a ton of stuff and get it out of my system. Don't have to worry about those stuck up wives who try to act like their life is perfect. Sorry, I don't fix my problems by spending all my husbands money, or drinking myself into a coma every night after the kids go to bed. So while you're busy pretending your better than me, and you have more class, I'll be the wife who's husband ISNT ashamed of them. I'm tired of having to pretend like everything is fine, and I'm ok. No, I'm not OK. The one person who completely gets me, and listens, and helps me get through stuff, is never home. Yeah, we're almost done with this deployment, but it doesn't help me now. I'm tired of wearing all the hats, and doing it all alone. So anyway, back to my son. I just had 2 rooms painted. We're getting ready to sell the house, and it needed to be done. So what does he do?? A WEEK after the walls in his room are painted, he scratches one of them up with a toy. This was after I put him in there for a time out for not eating, and throwing his food everywhere. Also, after I took the toy away, he proceeds to rip more of his already destroyed blinds apart. Oh. My. GOD! When the hell does it end?! Oh wait, it doesn't. It just moves into other issues as they get older. I love my kids I love my kids I love my kids.

Dig a little deeper, and hopefully find that last little bit of strength.

I feel like I've reached the bottom. 10.5 months into this year long deployment, and I've just reached the end of my sanity. What do you do? You can put some energy into homecoming projects, that helps a little. You can keep telling yourself that the end is in site. But is it really? What about after the deployment? Should be getting block leave a week after he gets home, but now we have to wait a month?? Then he's mine for a couple of months, and then he's gone.. AGAIN. 3 month school a few states away. Then what? I get him for a couple of weeks, and he's gone.. AGAAAAAIN! The school year doesn't end till mid May, and he is due to his next duty station early April. So I get to be without my best friend for another couple months. And what about the house? Will we sell it? Will we be stuck paying a mortgage, with no BAH coming in because we're living on post at the new station? I mean, we can make it, but it still stresses me out. That's a lot of money going out. Then we get 2 years (almost) of being together with no deployments. But then what?? What are we going to do when he gets out of the Army? Will he really get out? We've been TOGETHER 17 months, of 45 total. And those aren't solid months, those are all broken up. A few weeks here, a couple months there.. Months apart. It's just killing me. We haven't had a chance to be a family for more than a couple of months at a time, and we have THREE kids. It's wearing on all of us. Especially my husband. I can almost feel his sadness. We have to miss one person, he has to miss 4. Not to mention miss home, miss our animals, real food, a comfortable bed. I'm just really tired of "getting by" I want my husband. I want my kids to have their daddy. I'm sick of this lifestyle, and really tired of all the sacrifices. It's time for us to be a family for once. For more than a few weeks, or a couple months.

R&R is all over :(

He got here THREE days early! I still can't believe it. We had so much fun while he was here. Skydiving, the beach, the melting pot.. Then we hauled back up to TN, and went to the Adventure Science Center in Nashville.. We got family pictures done, and a lot of other little things. Of course it all flew by :( He is still not all the way back to his FOB yet, and he left 3 days ago. Things have been super hectic for me with the kids. Our youngest son has REALLY been a handful. I'm seriously going nuts with him! He's learning so much though. Knows quite a few colors, and is speaking so much clearer now. Our daughter has 4 teeth all the way through, and is standing and pulling up on EVERYTHING. Getting lots of bumps and bruises. I've just been trying to get this house back in order, but I can see it's going to be an extremely long process. I've got time though.. 3 more months, in fact. I've also been learning to coupon. Saving a lot, too! Not fun taking all 3 kids on shopping trips though. Can't wait for hubby to be home so he can watch them! Anyway.. That's about all I guess. I know I was super vague and non detailed, but I don't have much in the way of free time now that I'm back in TN and hubby is gone. Off to finish my coffee before getting ready for the grocery store!

Sort of an intro, leading into some ramblings.

First, let me say I have NO freaking idea what I'm doing LOL. No, seriously. This is my first ever blog, and my first ever post. I think I titled my blog page what the title of this entry is. No idea how to fix it. Anyway, let me give a little intro, and a TINY back story. I say tiny, because I would take up your next 3 Christmas telling you how we got to where we are..

I'm married to my life long friend.  We have 3 children. 2 boys, (6), and (21 months) and a little girl, (6 months). My husband and I have known each other our whole lives, but lost touch for about 8 years, then were reunited via Myspace, and also the Army because he was stationed close to me. We've been together since the first time he visited me after so many years between.

Sounds like a fairy tail right? Except for the part that we've hardly been together since we became a couple. He was still in AIT then. He'd visit when he had some leave built up, and I went up twice to see him. Then when he got to his first duty station, he got orders for his first deployment. We planned on getting married really soon after he got there, then I'd move up a few months later, but we rushed it since he had gotten the orders. He had a ton of training, then his deployment. We had son during that deployment.. Then he came home, we got pregnant again, and he deployed... It's been.. Tough to say the least. We're hoping when he gets home from this deployment, we will have a little bit of a break, to finally be a family.

I get pretty tired of holding it all together. Yes, it's my job, and I do it.. But I do get sick of being without him. It's so hard to watch the kids go through missing their daddy.. And our poor little girl, she doesn't even know the difference. She's missing having that other parent to snuggle with her, and kiss her goodnight. It's just heart breaking. I have a hard enough time missing my best friend/husband.. But seeing our kids go through it really just shatters my heart.

Anyway.. This is just my intro. My initial, "Hi".. I plan to use this blog as my outlet. To get off my chest how I'm feeling, without the fear of being judged, criticized, or having the "I have it worse" game to play. This blog will be full of all the things I just can't muster up the courage to really say out loud. I hope this will help me to deal with missing my husband so much, and help me get through these days faster, with a lot less weight on my shoulders.