Sometimes we just have to let go, and let someone else take over. In my case, this is a VERY hard thing to do. If you know me, you know I am a total control freak. Although living the military lifestyle teaches you to kinda go with the flow, the things I CAN have control of, I do.
I used to be really upset that I had to have a C-Section with my oldest. I felt like a failure. I can't do the thing I was BUILT to do? Really? But then I realized that a few hundred years ago, my son AND I probably would have died. Thank goodness for medical advances. By the time I had my youngest son and my daughter I had come to be OK with having to have C-Sections.
Unfortunately, these C-Sections, and issues I had before them have wreaked havoc on my body, and I am finding myself preparing for a hysterectomy before my 27th birthday. It's not something I'm looking forward to at all, but I know it is necessary.
Pretty soon, I'll be able to get on with my life, and enjoy my kids being kids. Maybe I'll be able to finally get into the shape I want to be in without all this pain and.. Bleeding all the time. Sorry, gory, but true.
So, this is me letting go of the steering wheel, and letting my doctor (and god) take control.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I want to go home, this isn't fun anymore.. Oh wait...
I am home. This is my life. Some days are good, some days are bad, some days are worse. I try so hard to be everything for everyone. I try to keep the house clean, I try to help hubby manage his own stuff because he can't seem to keep himself in check. I make sure the kids have everything they need. I try to make and save money any way I can since we only have one income. I freaking try. Throw me a bone already, OK?
If there's one thing I've learned about myself in the past few years, is that I protect myself at all costs. If you hurt me, you won't know it. If anything, you'll think I'm just the biggest bitch ever. I can't seem to cry anymore in front of anyone who matters. I am so guarded. If you hurt me, up goes my wall, and I get angry. I can't let you know you've hurt me. I can't let you see that I have weakness.
I feel like the glue that holds everything together, but yet no one else sees it. No one see it till I let go. Why do I have to keep letting go for anyone to see my worth? What did I do so bad in a past life that everything I do has to be so difficult? Being a mother is the most selfless job in the world. I get that my kids aren't going to appreciate me till they're grown. But what's my husbands excuse? I gave up everything to be with him, and support him and his career. But sometimes it seems like it doesn't matter much to him.
I have really been trying so hard to show him how much I love him. I even did something I've NEVER done for anyone, that meant the world to me to share with him. That was yesterday. Today, he makes a comment that just knocked me right back down and makes me want to stop trying. I make countless efforts to show him that I love him and appreciate him. What does he do? That I don't ASK him to do? Why is it that hard for him to show me that he appreciates me?
And then there's all the people who paint the perfect life. Nothing ever goes wrong in their world. Everything is picture perfect, all the time. And you know it's not possible. Yes, they may have a blessed life, but nothing is perfect 100% of the time. Why pretend it is? I don't pretend.
I suffer from depression, and I think anxiety too. I dunno, I'm not a doctor. But I do know this. I put an awful lot of time and energy into trying to be positive even in the worst circumstances. And I try to change the things I can to make them better. But good god, I am exhausted. Just.. Please. All I want is for you to pitch in, and take a little bit of the load off my shoulders too. That's what this is supposed to be. We're supposed to be a team. Why do I feel like I'm in this all alone?
If there's one thing I've learned about myself in the past few years, is that I protect myself at all costs. If you hurt me, you won't know it. If anything, you'll think I'm just the biggest bitch ever. I can't seem to cry anymore in front of anyone who matters. I am so guarded. If you hurt me, up goes my wall, and I get angry. I can't let you know you've hurt me. I can't let you see that I have weakness.
I feel like the glue that holds everything together, but yet no one else sees it. No one see it till I let go. Why do I have to keep letting go for anyone to see my worth? What did I do so bad in a past life that everything I do has to be so difficult? Being a mother is the most selfless job in the world. I get that my kids aren't going to appreciate me till they're grown. But what's my husbands excuse? I gave up everything to be with him, and support him and his career. But sometimes it seems like it doesn't matter much to him.
I have really been trying so hard to show him how much I love him. I even did something I've NEVER done for anyone, that meant the world to me to share with him. That was yesterday. Today, he makes a comment that just knocked me right back down and makes me want to stop trying. I make countless efforts to show him that I love him and appreciate him. What does he do? That I don't ASK him to do? Why is it that hard for him to show me that he appreciates me?
And then there's all the people who paint the perfect life. Nothing ever goes wrong in their world. Everything is picture perfect, all the time. And you know it's not possible. Yes, they may have a blessed life, but nothing is perfect 100% of the time. Why pretend it is? I don't pretend.
I suffer from depression, and I think anxiety too. I dunno, I'm not a doctor. But I do know this. I put an awful lot of time and energy into trying to be positive even in the worst circumstances. And I try to change the things I can to make them better. But good god, I am exhausted. Just.. Please. All I want is for you to pitch in, and take a little bit of the load off my shoulders too. That's what this is supposed to be. We're supposed to be a team. Why do I feel like I'm in this all alone?
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