It was just simply bad timing, both times, and as much as we cared for each other, we weren't right together. Everyone else saw that, but it took us a long time to see it, I guess. So maybe it was never bad timing, it was just a learning experience, and preparing us for what's to come. To learn what to do, what not to do, and how to grow.
First we had no idea what we were doing, and we were young. Then I was so damaged, and you weren't ready, nor could you handle the damage that had been done. Few of my family or friends saw what I saw after the first go around. I knew you had a big heart, and I knew the reasons why they only saw what they chose to see. I am glad to have had a first love, and feel a lot of real heart ache, because it prepared me for my true love, and helped me grow.
I wasn't very good for you our second go around, but I am so thankful for the time we had, because it showed me I deserved better than the pain I had felt previously, and it allowed me to demand better for myself, and refuse to be treated so badly ever again. I hope you knew that I never meant to hurt you, just as I know you never meant to hurt me. Everything happens for a reason, and I will cherish the memories, and the lessons learned.
I know we are both happy in our lives now, and for that I am also very thankful. I hope wherever you are, you know that I am happy for you, and I have no regrets.
To those that subscribed, you may or may not know who this is about. For those of you that do, I put it here because it does not need to actually be said to that person. I'm sure he knows. I just had a lot of learning and healing to do the last 8-12 years of my life, and I feel I have grown so much, and needed to actually REALLY let go.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I want to be a "normal" mom.
I'm realizing some things lately. Things that never really mattered that much to me, till now. My kids have always had friends, and I've done some play dates here and there. But I am finding myself in a world in the last 2 years where, I can't now. My son, Destin, takes up probably 50% of more of my day all on his own. Keeping him from breaking things, hitting his sister, from running off, ect. He has nothing in his room except a bed. Why? Because he destroys everything. I don't believe he just has AD/HD. I have talked with other parents of children with AD/HD, and none of them have said that their child is violent toward people, and things, and even themselves.
I have tried to take my kids on outings, events, play dates, and just regular get togethers not geared toward kids. I can't do it. I cannot talk to anyone because my kids will go bonkers. Destin will run away, or do something that will make everyone look at me and go "what kind of mom lets her kid do that?" I can't go to play dates because it is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to try to keep an eye on him at every second to make sure he is behaving well, and also try to keep an eye on Shaelyn. And to do something I need to do with kids? Grocery shopping, running errands... If it involves having to get them out of the car, forget it.
Making friends would probably be a lot easier if I were able to have some kind of life outside everything that revolves around my kids. I love them dearly, I do. I would do anything for them. But there are so many things I have yet to be able to do because of some of the struggles I've had with Destin. It's not simple. I can't just put him in a time out, or even spank him (he laughs). Things like that don't stick with kids who have special needs. It's a joke. We do reinforcements, but it only works to a certain point because Destin is so strong willed.
I just feel like a miserable, cooped up, lonely mom. I want a life outside being stuck at home with my kids 24/7. I need to get away once in a while without them, and not just to run an errand. I want to have a lunch date with a friend, or maybe a mani/pedi day. I am blessed to be able to stay home with my kids, and help them to grow, learn, and thrive... But I also need a break, to cope with all of the things that I haven't been able to do, that other "normal" (what is normal, anyway?) moms are able to do.
One day, I might be able to go to a park, and sit on the bench and watch my kids play without the fear of him running off, or hurting another kid. One day. Yes, I know this is putting myself out there for judgement, but I'm hoping in putting this out there, maybe someone will be able to relate to me, and offer some advice, or encouragement.
I have tried to take my kids on outings, events, play dates, and just regular get togethers not geared toward kids. I can't do it. I cannot talk to anyone because my kids will go bonkers. Destin will run away, or do something that will make everyone look at me and go "what kind of mom lets her kid do that?" I can't go to play dates because it is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to try to keep an eye on him at every second to make sure he is behaving well, and also try to keep an eye on Shaelyn. And to do something I need to do with kids? Grocery shopping, running errands... If it involves having to get them out of the car, forget it.
Making friends would probably be a lot easier if I were able to have some kind of life outside everything that revolves around my kids. I love them dearly, I do. I would do anything for them. But there are so many things I have yet to be able to do because of some of the struggles I've had with Destin. It's not simple. I can't just put him in a time out, or even spank him (he laughs). Things like that don't stick with kids who have special needs. It's a joke. We do reinforcements, but it only works to a certain point because Destin is so strong willed.
I just feel like a miserable, cooped up, lonely mom. I want a life outside being stuck at home with my kids 24/7. I need to get away once in a while without them, and not just to run an errand. I want to have a lunch date with a friend, or maybe a mani/pedi day. I am blessed to be able to stay home with my kids, and help them to grow, learn, and thrive... But I also need a break, to cope with all of the things that I haven't been able to do, that other "normal" (what is normal, anyway?) moms are able to do.
One day, I might be able to go to a park, and sit on the bench and watch my kids play without the fear of him running off, or hurting another kid. One day. Yes, I know this is putting myself out there for judgement, but I'm hoping in putting this out there, maybe someone will be able to relate to me, and offer some advice, or encouragement.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)