Some would say it's a wonderful thing to have such a huge heart. Those who have one sometimes struggle with it, though. I consider myself to be a good person. I tend to go above and beyond for pretty much anyone in need, except myself. Forget wants, I don't even allow myself what I need most of the time. Although I am exhausted, and am going without things I need, I still manage to find time to help others out. But there comes a time when I need to open my eyes and realize that some of these people, just don't care.
Either they don't realize all you're doing for them, or they flat out don't care, or think it's not enough, and want more out of you. Then when I get to the point where I have to say enough, I let those who never appreciated me anyway, make me feel bad about taking some time for myself. I have come to realize that I have to back up, and figure out what's important for myself, and my family, and let the rest go.
I can't be everything to everyone. I can only be what I can be for myself, and family. I'm not sure how long this process is going to take, but what I hope to get out of it in the end, is to feel happy, and less exhausted. I'm not even 30 years old yet, and I feel like I've been running in circles for decades. Every day is another opportunity to figure out what step is next, and how to feel good knowing I'm doing my best, for those that MATTER.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
A whole lot of bad, with a side of good.
Last weeks session for hubby was the beginning of a VERY bad week for us. He said some things in the session that really hurt me. I completely shut down toward him after that, and for the next few days, things went from bad, to worse, to almost unsolvable. I honestly thought it was the end of us a few days ago. This isn't how we pictured life right now. He's finally home from deployments, we can finally be a family, and NOT worry about another separation lurking in the near future. But this is not how our life was supposed to be. Him, completely broken. He even said a few days ago, that a big part of him died in Afghanistan. I can see that.
We got to the point a few days ago where I was waiting for the words to come out of his mouth. "I want a divorce". The words when you go into a marriage you NEVER want to hear. As much as I expected to hear them, they did not come out. Although he kept saying the last week that he doesn't see us lasting anymore. That was a shot right through my heart. Who wants to be in a marriage where you're spouse doesn't think you'll last? Not me! I wouldn't have gotten married again, and had more kids if I thought that for a second. I had this vision of us on the front porch of the house we built, in our rockers, talking about the good old days.
I completely broke down, instead of spouting anger to hide my fear, and hurt. I finally let him see how heartbroken, and scared I was. I couldn't even let him look at me. I sat in the bathroom, on the floor, in the dark, bawling my eyes out, and he sat outside of the door pouring his heart out to me for the first time in almost a year. I think this was our turn around. Where we just bared it all for each other to see. All our emotions, fear, hurt, anxiety.
After that day/night, we've had our moments, but it's been solvable every day. We come back later and explain ourselves, and talk about it. We even had our daughters birthday the other day and it was a huge success, although I am sick. We were able to spend the evening as a family, and enjoy her day together. She LOVED it all! So, onto the side of good.
I walk our oldest son to school and back every day, and in the morning on our way back my daughter and I always stop to talk to a neighbor and her daughter as they wait for her bus. She was one of the few people who went out of her way to introduce herself to us when we moved in. She is VERY sweet, and ALSO from Tennessee :). Although we didn't always live there, it was the first place we ever felt as if we were home, so it is "back home" to us now.
Our neighbor told me a few weeks ago they were moving. Sad news, but happy for them to be moving up. We loved their house, at least from the outside since we moved here. It's really cute, and even bigger than our house. I asked her today if she didn't mind telling me how much their rent is there. Come to find out, it's what we pay for our house that is MUCH smaller, and theirs actually has a fenced in back yard, whereas ours doesn't. She invited us over to walk through, and I am IN LOVE with the house. It's honestly perfect for us, at least till we know where we'll end up staying for good. It would be MUCH more functional for us than where we are now. She's going to talk to her landlord and let her know that we are very interested in renting ASAP at that price.
Hubby is more than on page. This house will make ALL our lives much easier, and much more comfortable. I am hoping, and praying this works out. Worst case scenario, we have to pay another 3 months rent where we live now if our landlord won't let us out of the lease early. I am crossing everything I can cross, and praying with all I've got that this works out for us. We all need this. A home that we feel comfortable in, and can function the way we need to. Please, lord, let this be the break we as a family have been needing for a VERY long time.
We got to the point a few days ago where I was waiting for the words to come out of his mouth. "I want a divorce". The words when you go into a marriage you NEVER want to hear. As much as I expected to hear them, they did not come out. Although he kept saying the last week that he doesn't see us lasting anymore. That was a shot right through my heart. Who wants to be in a marriage where you're spouse doesn't think you'll last? Not me! I wouldn't have gotten married again, and had more kids if I thought that for a second. I had this vision of us on the front porch of the house we built, in our rockers, talking about the good old days.
I completely broke down, instead of spouting anger to hide my fear, and hurt. I finally let him see how heartbroken, and scared I was. I couldn't even let him look at me. I sat in the bathroom, on the floor, in the dark, bawling my eyes out, and he sat outside of the door pouring his heart out to me for the first time in almost a year. I think this was our turn around. Where we just bared it all for each other to see. All our emotions, fear, hurt, anxiety.
After that day/night, we've had our moments, but it's been solvable every day. We come back later and explain ourselves, and talk about it. We even had our daughters birthday the other day and it was a huge success, although I am sick. We were able to spend the evening as a family, and enjoy her day together. She LOVED it all! So, onto the side of good.
I walk our oldest son to school and back every day, and in the morning on our way back my daughter and I always stop to talk to a neighbor and her daughter as they wait for her bus. She was one of the few people who went out of her way to introduce herself to us when we moved in. She is VERY sweet, and ALSO from Tennessee :). Although we didn't always live there, it was the first place we ever felt as if we were home, so it is "back home" to us now.
Our neighbor told me a few weeks ago they were moving. Sad news, but happy for them to be moving up. We loved their house, at least from the outside since we moved here. It's really cute, and even bigger than our house. I asked her today if she didn't mind telling me how much their rent is there. Come to find out, it's what we pay for our house that is MUCH smaller, and theirs actually has a fenced in back yard, whereas ours doesn't. She invited us over to walk through, and I am IN LOVE with the house. It's honestly perfect for us, at least till we know where we'll end up staying for good. It would be MUCH more functional for us than where we are now. She's going to talk to her landlord and let her know that we are very interested in renting ASAP at that price.
Hubby is more than on page. This house will make ALL our lives much easier, and much more comfortable. I am hoping, and praying this works out. Worst case scenario, we have to pay another 3 months rent where we live now if our landlord won't let us out of the lease early. I am crossing everything I can cross, and praying with all I've got that this works out for us. We all need this. A home that we feel comfortable in, and can function the way we need to. Please, lord, let this be the break we as a family have been needing for a VERY long time.
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