What's left?

He's been back from the treatment center for a week and a half now. Starting the day after he got home, we were right back to where we were before he left. It's been like that pretty much every day since. He's either completely mean to everyone, or he's ignoring us. He completely neglects me as his wife. I take a lot of the verbal abuse he dishes out, and let go, and walk away. But after so long of doing that, I fire back. I can't live like this. Where I'm either being verbally abused, or completely neglected. This is not the man I married, not even close. But where do I go from here?

I have been supporting him and his career for over 4 years, and raising our children pretty much on my own that entire time. How on earth can I find a job that supports me and all 3 kids alone? Yes sure, there's child support.. IF he pays it. I don't have any fight left in me. Sometimes I just want to lay down and play dead. I don't know where to go from here. I have never been so lost and confused in my life. After all this time supporting him in his career, and putting up with the deployments, I am left with an empty shell of a man, who I am starting to despise.

PTSD.. It's a bitch

Once upon a time, there were 2 super annoying, super hornball guys.. They joined forces to become a SUPER DUPER annoying hornball team. Then these two guys both got married, settled down, and had kids. Annoying hornball guy number 1 (one week older than the other) after having his first son, says to the other, who just had his daughter 7 months prior.. "Wouldn't it be something if these 2 grew up and got married one day?" Annoying hornball guy number 2 goes "over my dead body".

Fast foward 20 some years later.... My dad is still alive. Yep, those 2 babies grew up, got married, and had babies of their own. Cute right? It's not. Because while it seems like a fairy tail, the truth of the matter, only a couple of years into our marriage, we had been through more than anyone could imagine. Danny's done a lot of things that could have ended us, and I forgave him. We moved passed it, and kept on truckin'. Then we had 2 back to back deployments, which we had both of our kids during. Could have tried to plan that a little better, right?

Anyway, you've all heard of PTSD, you might even know someone who has it. Hell, maybe you've dealt with it, or your spouse has. If so, you know it is a debilitating thing. And that doesn't even describe how horrible it is. Hubby went on his second tour prepared for the worst, but what happened is worse than the worst. What happened was something he wasn't prepared for, and it has ruined him. He hates everything, including god. He is pissed at the world.

Every single day is a fight to just survive the day for him.. And for me, the same. Every day is a fight to survive what war, and PTSD has done to this man I love, yet don't recognize at all anymore. This man, to you, will appear normal, yet maybe a little bit irritated from time to time. In public he'll smile, crack jokes, and have a good time. This is not the man I know. The man I now know, is a giant ball of anger. Every day, all day, he yells, screams, curses, and belittles our children. Every. Single. Day.

It wasn't always like this. First he was just miserable and sad. Then it got to a point where he told me he wondered if he went to the bedroom, and blew his brains out, if the kids and I would even notice or care. I still have flashbacks to that night. It still haunts me. He fought and fought for help at his last duty station.. They wouldn't help him. He tried for months, and they literally turned him away over and over again. Finally, someone took notice, but it was too late, we were moving to another duty station. So, she throws some medication at him and calls it a day.

Meanwhile, we think.. Things will get better when we move. We'll get there, and there won't be any more deployments, and we can work on what needs to be done with PTSD. So, months later, he finally has a therapist. He does NOTHING, basically.. Then says he's going TDY (has to go to another duty station for a couple of months) and dumps us on someone else. This lady, she listened.. And is starting a new therapy with him. New to him anyway. It's called Prolonged Exposure Therapy. But I don't see how much good that's going to do when he only has an appointment once a week, or once every other week.

In the meantime, what am I doing you're wondering? I'm curling up into a pathetic little ball praying to god that my husband comes back to me. And my kids father comes back. While I let him ruin our kids. I live my life every day, trying to anticipate what will set him off, and keep on my toes so I can run to them and save them from him. From their fathers words. Exhausted doesn't even touch what I am as a result. The man who's supposed to love them, and protect them, is destroying them. These defenseless children, who still love their dad more than life, are being ruined by that same man.

I'm going to counseling, I'm trying to talk to those that I trust with this for advice. At this point, I know that if he doesn't get better, and if he doesn't try harder, I'm going to have to take my kids, and run. Sounds easy. Just make some arrangements, pack some things, and we'll be on our way. It's not easy. This is not my husband. This is not the man I gave my heart to. The man I married used to hold me, and tell me he loves me, and I'm beautiful, and the kids and I mean the world to him.I keep praying he's still in there somewhere. Now he's this empty man, who's tortured every monent of his life, even when he's asleep.

What's happening to me as a result? I hate the world sometimes. I ask god all the time what I did to deserve this. What my kids did to deserve this. Why did my husband have to be the one to whitness that accident? Why, why, WHY? I don't recognize myself either. I smile all the time, because I can't let anyone in. If people knew what we were going through, I'd be judged for staying, or judged for going. There is no way to put into words what PTSD really does. PTSD is a killer. This is why there are so many murders, and suicides in the military community, which comes right back to PTSD.

What the hell is our military doing to help these service members who gave their all? Nothing. Playing games with them, that's what their doing. His last duty station shut down a few years ago for a mandatory "If you have PTSD come for help, no one will judge you and we are here" get together. Guess what. IT WAS BULLSHIT! I can't even count how many times they turned my husband away. This is why right here. This is why I'm so angry at the Army. This is why I'm so miserable, and negative, and angry period.

We should be living our happily ever after right now, and every fucking day of my life, I am living a REAL nightmare. Every day is a struggle for all 5 of us. This is what PTSD is. It's a killer, and it destroys entire families. This is what we get for our sacrifices as a family, for our country.

Learning to matter

Some would say it's a wonderful thing to have such a huge heart. Those who have one sometimes struggle with it, though. I consider myself to be a good person. I tend to go above and beyond for pretty much anyone in need, except myself. Forget wants, I don't even allow myself what I need most of the time. Although I am exhausted, and am going without things I need, I still manage to find time to help others out. But there comes a time when I need to open my eyes and realize that some of these people, just don't care.

Either they don't realize all you're doing for them, or they flat out don't care, or think it's not enough, and want more out of you. Then when I get to the point where I have to say enough, I let those who never appreciated me anyway, make me feel bad about taking some time for myself. I have come to realize that I have to back up, and figure out what's important for myself, and my family, and let the rest go.

I can't be everything to everyone. I can only be what I can be for myself, and family. I'm not sure how long this process is going to take, but what I hope to get out of it in the end, is to feel happy, and less exhausted. I'm not even 30 years old yet, and I feel like I've been running in circles for decades. Every day is another opportunity to figure out what step is next, and how to feel good knowing I'm doing my best, for those that MATTER.

A whole lot of bad, with a side of good.

Last weeks session for hubby was the beginning of a VERY bad week for us. He said some things in the session that really hurt me. I completely shut down toward him after that, and for the next few days, things went from bad, to worse, to almost unsolvable. I honestly thought it was the end of us a few days ago. This isn't how we pictured life right now. He's finally home from deployments, we can finally be a family, and NOT worry about another separation lurking in the near future. But this is not how our life was supposed to be. Him, completely broken. He even said a few days ago, that a big part of him died in Afghanistan. I can see that.

We got to the point a few days ago where I was waiting for the words to come out of his mouth. "I want a divorce". The words when you go into a marriage you NEVER want to hear. As much as I expected to hear them, they did not come out. Although he kept saying the last week that he doesn't see us lasting anymore. That was a shot right through my heart. Who wants to be in a marriage where you're spouse doesn't think you'll last? Not me! I wouldn't have gotten married again, and had more kids if I thought that for a second. I had this vision of us on the front porch of the house we built, in our rockers, talking about the good old days.

I completely broke down, instead of spouting anger to hide my fear, and hurt. I finally let him see how heartbroken, and scared I was. I couldn't even let him look at me. I sat in the bathroom, on the floor, in the dark, bawling my eyes out, and he sat outside of the door pouring his heart out to me for the first time in almost a year. I think this was our turn around. Where we just bared it all for each other to see. All our emotions, fear, hurt, anxiety.

After that day/night, we've had our moments, but it's been solvable every day. We come back later and explain ourselves, and talk about it. We even had our daughters birthday the other day and it was a huge success, although I am sick. We were able to spend the evening as a family, and enjoy her day together. She LOVED it all! So, onto the side of good.

I walk our oldest son to school and back every day, and in the morning on our way back my daughter and I always stop to talk to a neighbor and her daughter as they wait for her bus. She was one of the few people who went out of her way to introduce herself to us when we moved in. She is VERY sweet, and ALSO from Tennessee :). Although we didn't always live there, it was the first place we ever felt as if we were home, so it is "back home" to us now.

Our neighbor told me a few weeks ago they were moving. Sad news, but happy for them to be moving up. We loved their house, at least from the outside since we moved here. It's really cute, and even bigger than our house. I asked her today if she didn't mind telling me how much their rent is there. Come to find out, it's what we pay for our house that is MUCH smaller, and theirs actually has a fenced in back yard, whereas ours doesn't. She invited us over to walk through, and I am IN LOVE with the house. It's honestly perfect for us, at least till we know where we'll end up staying for good. It would be MUCH more functional for us than where we are now. She's going to talk to her landlord and let her know that we are very interested in renting ASAP at that price.

Hubby is more than on page. This house will make ALL our lives much easier, and much more comfortable. I am hoping, and praying this works out. Worst case scenario, we have to pay another 3 months rent where we live now if our landlord won't let us out of the lease early. I am crossing everything I can cross, and praying with all I've got that this works out for us. We all need this. A home that we feel comfortable in, and can function the way we need to. Please, lord, let this be the break we as a family have been needing for a VERY long time.

Who is that girl?

Who is that girl, that woman, sobbing in the hallway? Is it me? No, it's not, she's only part of me. She's the me I don't let many people see, or know that she exists. She is the lost, insecure, self doubting girl I used to be. She's the me that comes out when no one is looking. But she was seen, for the first time, in years. I wish I could always find strength in my weakness. It's what makes me human. Why do I feel this constant need to only be strong? I deal with so much, and I've survived so many things, yet I make myself feel as though I can't be weak, ever. Why do I feel this way? Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough? I have accomplished so much in my 27 years, so why can't I give myself credit where credit is due? Why can't I face my fears, and open up to those that are the closest to me? Why do I only really cry when no one is looking?

Because I LET others make me feel as though I'm not enough. That I'm not strong, smart, talented, pretty, deserving. I am all those things, and more. I have more tenacity in my little finger than most people in their entire being. I CAN get through this. I can get through anything, and I will. I need to make a promise to myself, that I will not hide parts of me from those I love, and have more than earned the right to know all of me. How can I expect them to show me all of them, and trust me with their thoughts and feelings, if I cannot trust them with mine? I have been a hypocrite. I refuse to let these demons from the past dictate what my future holds. And I refuse to let them belittle me, and make me feel worthless anymore.

I am a good mother, and a good wife. I am talented, I am smart, and I am VERY strong. I am pretty, and I am WORTHY. To anyone who thinks otherwise, you are entitled to your opinions, but you're wrong :)

Little miss slacker

I'm really surprised it's been 2 months since I've written. I know I really need to, I know how much it helps, yet I've been putting it off. Most of the time I honestly forget to, but other than that I keep saying "I'll do it later", and later never comes. Well, I guess it does, just.. Months later.

As if I didn't have a full plate before, it's now overflowing. I am trying my best to get through it, and make my lists, and just take it all one thing at a time. It does help, most of the time, but sometimes things just get overwhelming and I can't handle it.

I'm getting to the point where I've really had enough of what's going on with my husband. I feel like I've been more than on board with being supportive of him, but at this point I just want to back off and say "handle it all yourself". I feel like that's what he does with me most of the time. When he knows I'm having a bad day, I get no understanding. He gets on my case that I forgot to refill my Rx, well, I've got a lot going on, and I always put myself last.. Sorry! I finally refill it, and it's waiting at Walmart. Ask him to pick it up for me since he's going there to get Destins new Rx, and he forgets. Thanks, that's nice of you to forget about me, AGAIN.

Completely change of subject, but, WHY IS EVERYONE SO OBSESSED WITH THEMSELVES?? 2 messages today from people that never say a word to me otherwise, asking me to vote for their kids in some stupid facebook contest. First of all, it's facebook, I DON'T CARE. Second of all, I don't have time to go to the bathroom sometimes, and you want me to devote time to you, when you never say a word to me? I wish I could delete my account, but sadly that would mean letting go of my business, and I cannot afford to do that, financially, and emotionally. It's kinda all I have for myself sometimes.

Anyway, just some thoughts/annoyances pouring out. I definitely need to start doing this more. It really helps!

Becoming the new me

Sometimes we just have to let go, and let someone else take over. In my case, this is a VERY hard thing to do. If you know me, you know I am a total control freak. Although living the military lifestyle teaches you to kinda go with the flow, the things I CAN have control of, I do.

I used to be really upset that I had to have a C-Section with my oldest. I felt like a failure. I can't do the thing I was BUILT to do? Really? But then I realized that a few hundred years ago, my son AND I probably would have died. Thank goodness for medical advances. By the time I had my youngest son and my daughter I had come to be OK with having to have C-Sections.

Unfortunately, these C-Sections, and issues I had before them have wreaked havoc on my body, and I am finding myself preparing for a hysterectomy before my 27th birthday. It's not something I'm looking forward to at all, but I know it is necessary.

Pretty soon, I'll be able to get on with my life, and enjoy my kids being kids. Maybe I'll be able to finally get into the shape I want to be in without all this pain and.. Bleeding all the time. Sorry, gory, but true.

So, this is me letting go of the steering wheel, and letting my doctor (and god) take control.

I want to go home, this isn't fun anymore.. Oh wait...

I am home. This is my life. Some days are good, some days are bad, some days are worse. I try so hard to be everything for everyone. I try to keep the house clean, I try to help hubby manage his own stuff because he can't seem to keep himself in check. I make sure the kids have everything they need. I try to make and save money any way I can since we only have one income. I freaking try. Throw me a bone already, OK?

If there's one thing I've learned about myself in the past few years, is that I protect myself at all costs. If you hurt me, you won't know it. If anything, you'll think I'm just the biggest bitch ever. I can't seem to cry anymore in front of anyone who matters. I am so guarded. If you hurt me, up goes my wall, and I get angry. I can't let you know you've hurt me. I can't let you see that I have weakness.

I feel like the glue that holds everything together, but yet no one else sees it. No one see it till I let go. Why do I have to keep letting go for anyone to see my worth? What did I do so bad in a past life that everything I do has to be so difficult? Being a mother is the most selfless job in the world. I get that my kids aren't going to appreciate me till they're grown. But what's my husbands excuse? I gave up everything to be with him, and support him and his career. But sometimes it seems like it doesn't matter much to him.

I have really been trying so hard to show him how much I love him. I even did something I've NEVER done for anyone, that meant the world to me to share with him. That was yesterday. Today, he makes a comment that just knocked me right back down and makes me want to stop trying. I make countless efforts to show him that I love him and appreciate him. What does he do? That I don't ASK him to do? Why is it that hard for him to show me that he appreciates me?

And then there's all the people who paint the perfect life. Nothing ever goes wrong in their world. Everything is picture perfect, all the time. And you know it's not possible. Yes, they may have a blessed life, but nothing is perfect 100% of the time. Why pretend it is? I don't pretend.

I suffer from depression, and I think anxiety too. I dunno, I'm not a doctor. But I do know this. I put an awful lot of time and energy into trying to be positive even in the worst circumstances. And I try to change the things I can to make them better. But good god, I am exhausted. Just.. Please.  All I want is for you to pitch in, and take a little bit of the load off my shoulders too. That's what this is supposed to be. We're supposed to be a team. Why do I feel like I'm in this all alone?

Time to make some changes

I thought when we moved here, things would just be so easy since hubby would work a set schedule, and he'd be HOME for once. Wrong. I am coming to find that I am even more overwhelmed here in this house. We were established back in TN. We had made friends, and home was HOME. Here, this house still doesn't feel like ours. I mean, it's not.. We're just renting. The house is OK for now, but doesn't really suit our needs as a family of 5. Our youngest son is getting worse every day with his ADHD, and I just feel so out of place here.

Our neighborhood is beautiful, and quiet. All the neighbors are nice, but I'm just not used to feeling so confined. We had a big yard before, and only one house close to us, and we got along with those neighbors very well. I don't know anyone here, and truthfully, I'm not sure I really want to make friends. We're probably only going to be here a couple of years, and I have so much on my plate that I really don't think making friends is going to fit in right now.

We also started selling it works.. It's a great product, and I'm enjoying it. But I just have too much going on. I have so much I want to do, and I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed trying to do it all. So, it's time to make some changes. As much as I enjoy making bows, it's come to a point where it's more work than fun. I have decided that I will not buy anymore supplies. Once I run out of what I have, that's it. I'll probably still make some for friends that ask, and of course for my daughter, but I think having the extra time I would have been spending working on orders, will help me in the long run.

I have just been really depressed since we got here. Mostly during the day when hubby's gone and I'm trying to juggle it all. I had really talked all of this up in my head, and now that we're here, I'm realizing it's not that simple. It's not just smooth sailing now that we're somewhere that hubby won't have to leave for long periods of time. Ultimately, I need to start putting myself somewhere on the list of importance. Everyone has what they need, and lots of what they want. Why can't I let myself be happy, too?