It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault.

I need to keep chanting that to myself over and over again. Maybe I'll really start to believe it if I say it enough? One huge lesson we as spouses to those suffering with PTSD learn, is it's not our fault. Often times I bend over backwards to get stuff done, to make life easier on him. Does he notice? Nope. I'll clean, and clean, and clean. Does he notice? Never. I'll have gone out of my way to do something nice for him. Did it matter? Not at all. But it's hard to not get let down. It really does hurt your feelings to know that no matter how hard you try, it doesn't matter.

How can I stick around, and love someone like this? Honestly, sometimes it's hard. But then I see a little tiny glimpse of what life used to be like, and the man he used to be, and it's enough to usually carry me through the bad for a while. He didn't ask for this, it happened to him. It happened to our family. And now, we learn to live with it. I think one of the biggest thing that has helped me, is to know that I really am NOT alone, though at times it feels like I am.

I literally spent an hr and a half on the phone with someone I barely know, yet we've known each other for years, and crossed paths several times. It was like talking to someone I've known forever. Everything I said, she knew exactly what I meant, and how I felt. I cannot explain how much that helped me. At the same time, it really puts into perspective just how many people are really hurting that bad, and just holding onto anything they can for dear life. We just deal, and pull through, and then finally after days, or weeks, or months... Something amazing happens, and it charges us up a little bit again.. Then starts the difficult part all over again.. And it just keeps cycling around.

Today was hard. It seemed to have started out decent, even with the sickness my daughter and I have right now. He came home for lunch, and actually picked up some lunch I had called in. It wasn't great, we didn't really have a good vibe, but it wasn't bad. Sometimes that's all we can ask for, is for it to just be "meh". Then when he came home from work. I had done something that took me half the day to complete, but it really made a huge difference in our house. It didn't make a difference to him. The worst part is the attitude he seems to have. I was in a decent mood, and trying to spend some time with him, and he just seemed like he was in pain being near me. That. HURTS.

So, yeah... It's not my fault. Even though I sit here and question what the heck I did. I know it's not my fault. Now I just have to try my hardest not to let it bring me down as well. Ho hum.