My parents haven't only been married to each other. Both had been married once before, and both actually had a son, each. Jaime is my dads son. He is 11 years older than me. Justin, is my moms son, who is 10 years older than me. Right now I'm sure the majority of you are going "Huh? I never knew you had any siblings!?" There are reasons I don't really talk about them. See, I'm kinda the white sheep of the family. No, I'm far from perfect.. But I try to do the right thing. My brothers have each made more than their share of mistakes. I guess it's... Shame. Shame is the reason that I don't talk about them.
Well, though they have made many mistakes, they are still my brothers. Jaime, has made mistakes that I myself cannot forgive. I just can't. He needs to ask for forgiveness to a higher power. I cannot, nor will not ever have any kind of relationship with him again. I know you may be curious as to what happened, but so few know. It is a deeply personal thing that still affects me to this day. I pray for him, still. I pray that he finds peace, and my parents find him one day, and can have a relationship with him. He has been missing for over 5 years now.
Justin has also made many mistakes. Not just concerning me, or my parents. He has made mistakes that affect many, many lives. He has hurt people that love him, repeatedly, and I'm sure the affect he has on some, will affect them for the rest of their lives. A few years ago, I had written him off, and turned my back on him. Though since, I have tried to help him, even still... Hoping that those handful of times since I had written him off, he was REALLY trying to turn his life around. Come to find out, he was still not ready to do what it takes to fix things.
The person he is hurting most, is himself. It hurts my parents, myself, and I'm sure other family and friends to see what he has done to himself.. But in the end, he is hurting himself most. I won't go into what he's done, because that's his story to tell, not mine. What I will say, is it hurts. I am a very strong woman, but I do have soft spots. This is my brother. He's not always been a good brother to me, but there were times in the past that he was really there for me. Every girl who has big brothers wants to feel that they will be there for them. The fact that I have 2 boys, and a girl (she's the youngest) is what really gets me the most.
I want my boys to be there for their baby sister. Protect her, love her, teach her. Neither of my brothers were there for me when I needed them the most. Justin probably never will be, though I am trying to keep my heart open and hope that this is really rock bottom for him, and maybe he will change his ways. I have to be realistic though. Someone in their late 30's who is still making the same mistakes constantly, will probably never change.
See, I found his mug shots today when doing a google search for him. He looks worse than I could have imagined. He's been in jail this time (bouncing between 3 of them, in fact) since September. His eyes are sunken in, he has multiple bags under them, and he just looks like a wrinkled ghost. My brother was a good looking guy when he was younger, before he let himself go. He always had girlfriends. He was talented (still is) and smart when he applied himself. He had a sense of humor that had you laughing all the time. He was a prankster. I'm sure he put at least half the grey hairs on my dads head..
But now I see a man who is dying. I really hope not, but it looks like his life has truly beaten him down, and I'm not sure he can recover from this. So.. I have siblings, yes. Siblings that are in my life, and I can count on, or lean on.. Or just talk to. No, I don't. If you do, please don't take them for granted.
In closing, I want to say that I have not given up hope on you, Justin. I am upset that you have done all that you have, and some things forgiveness is going to have to come from the big man. A lot of the damage you have done, you can not undo. But, I am still hoping, and praying for you, that it's only up from here. Maybe one day, we can have a normal, healthy relationship, and you can get to know your nephews, and niece.
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